Moving through each day now requires a balance that I never thought I would ever need. In the past 39 years of my life, I’ve never questioned the “why”. I’ve always been able to fully move through spaces simply knowing I would come out clean on the other side. From ages was 19 to 22 was interesting, but that’s another post for another day.
I realize now that I’ve been very blessed to have been through the life events I’ve been through and to have learned from them all, even though trauma may linger a little. My friends have always joked that I don’t hold on to anything. I wish so deeply that it was a true statement. Sure, the everyday sights and micro-judgments are easy to shake, but life altering events….those are the things that stick with you. I’ve tried for years to really just release all those emotions, and I’ve been able to move past a lot, and with a great support system to guide me through letting all this shit go.
But, I had doubts. Do I really want to let go of the emotions attached to the experiences in my life that shaped me? What happens after I let it go? Who am I without the feelings that these experiences brought me? More importantly, are these experiences I want to revisit and relive in order to just move past them?
I know that in order for me to move forward, and embrace who I am, and grow from there, there are some critical events that I needed to accept and just let go. That’s where my confusion was though. My life experiences so far are what I knew as part of me, part of what got me to where I am. I came to a critical point where I knew that it was time to me to move into acceptance of who I am, and to live authentically in each moment.
The only way for me to really do that was to simply embrace me, my life experiences (whether traumatic or not), and to move forward as just myself. Living an authentic life is not necessarily an easy thing, but it is gloriously real, and there’s something about moving past the anxiety of dwelling in your experiences and celebrating the lessons you’ve learned instead. Stepping into the conscious decision to live life as myself, unapologetically, and absolutely real, was one of the boldest moves I have ever made.
And I’m not sorry.
And I celebrate myself each and every damn day.